The Dark Side of Sod...10

With a spirit of Thanksgiving I would like to thank our ancestry for the high price they paid so that future generations could have a chance. My Great Great Great Grandfather was a POW in the Civil War and wrote a journal of his experiences there. War is NOT Civil...ever! I treasure his words. His name was John...this week I would like to share some excerpts from his writings. I can't imagine what the times were like or what he must have felt really. He was in Andersonville, or Camp Sumter as it was known officially, located in Georgia, held more prisoners at any given time than any of the other Confederate military prisons. It was built in early 1864 after Confederate officials decided to move the large number of Federal prisoners in and around Richmond to a place of greater security and more abundant food. During the 14 months it existed, more than 45,000 Union soldiers were confined here. Of these, almost 13,000 died from disease, poor sanitation, malnutrition, overcrowding, or exposure to the elements.

He writes...

Monday, July 11th 1864
...Seven hundred miles from home and in prison, watched and guarded by men who who have no feeling of honor or sympathy and who stand ready with loaded guns to send the messenger of death at the first show of an effort to escape- and even should one succeed in getting out, they are ready with blood hounds to chase him down. Every citizen is considered on military duty, and should a prisoner escape the vigilance of the guard, it is hardly possible that he would succeed traveling through 250 miles of country inhabited by the enemy. We have just had a pleasant shower and the sun is coming out to shed its last rays on some convicts that are to stretch hemp in a few minutes. Federal soldiers in Federal uniforms and a camp of Federal prisoners but by their misdemeanors they deserve their punishment. Guilty of murdering their comrades for gain and plunder, they were caught, tried and convicted and at 5 o'clock P. M. the sentence is to be executed for by order of Gen. Winder C.S.A. This is the one human act in the General, if he never did a good deed and never does another-may God have mercy on their souls.

5 o'clock and the convict prisoners are brought in, escorted by a guard of C.S soldiers headed by Capt. Wertz who delivers them over to the regulators for execution. They are attended by a priest, brought to the scaffold and ordered to ascend- but Delaney refuses and breaks through the crowd and attempts to escape, is recaptured and brought back. Mosby begs for mercy and calls several times, but none comes to the rescue. They ascend the scaffold, the ropes adjusted, the caps placed over the criminals faces - everything is ready- the moment has arrived, the ladders are pulled down and five men are seen dangling in the air. The sixth rope breaks - this is Mosby's- again he begs for mercy but the unflinching Limber Jim takes him up to the scaffold, readjusts the rope and swings him off again.

This may look hard to the civilized and enlightened world, but they have been a reign of terror to the camp. The reign of terror is broken if not subdued. What will the Federal Government think? It matters not, they leave us here. We are mixed with marauders and must protect ourselves. Justice must be administered - we have men who know what justice is and are ready to execute it.

Be well,

Julie Pope

The Dark Side of Sod...9

The Smile

“The secret to a long life I believe,” said Lillian, “you have to eat pinto beans every day!” Lillian had reached her 103^rd birthday and she was like a walking history book. It is amazing to think about all she  must have seen in her lifetime. During her childhood only 14% of the homes in America had bath tubs.(they were not one of the lucky ones) In her day, the average worker made a whopping $200 - $400 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. Pneumonia, Influenza, Tuberculosis and Diarrhea were the top killers of the time. There was NO iced tea, canned beer or crossword puzzles. (What?) Mother’s Day and Father’s Day did not exist either. A person’s life expectancy was about 47 years old…crazy to think about today huh?!

Lillian’s family at her memorial service was at peace with Lillian’s passing. “It was a blessing”, they said with a smile, “she lived a long life”. They wondered if that was a terrible thing to say, since she died and all. But Lillian had developed dementia over the past few years and was not aware of her family, their names, or even her name for that matter.

The family sat together with her in her final moments. The room was quiet, it was late, they watched her breath become shallower, farther apart and then finally…nothing. At that moment as Lillian passed…it was like her face transformed before their very eyes. The lines in her forehead and around her eyes softened which made her look younger. But the thing that was most precious about Lillian separating from her body…was her smile. Her death was beautiful. She was obviously happy to go.

Who she saw…what she saw…where she was…doesn’t matter. Lillian was finished here. The family experienced a side of death that we don’t often think about. There was this look of peace that passes all understanding. There are a lot of people who die every day that aren’t tragic horrible experiences. Like people who have endured extended illnesses for example, and have suffered throughout the illness with their family suffering right along with them. The end (death) is a relief…for everyone. It’s not a bad thing…at all.

Be happy and celebrate your time.

Julie Pope

The Dark Side of Sod...8

Father's Day 

The meaning of Father’s Day affects everyone differently. Your relationship (good or bad) with your Father aka “Dad” (but not the same thing) is your own…right?! Yours is not like anyone else. Your dad could be your everything…your whole world, and you couldn’t imagine life without him. You have had a wonderful relationship that has been filled with great memories. Thinking about your Father/Dad brings feelings of love, warmth, thoughts of many great times together and a lot of laughs. On the other hand...maybe you think that your dad doesn’t know anything and who cares what he thinks anyway. You may not know who your dad is. Your dad could have died or will die soon. Your dad could be abusive or hateful.  Maybe you don't need a holiday to think about or celebrate your dad, you do it every day...

There are so many different contexts for the terms Father or Dad. Although they are referred to in the same way, some will say they are totally different in meaning. Things are said like, “You can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” Your grandfather could have the role as Father/Dad, or an uncle perhaps. Either way, when life ends, holidays like Father’s Day for many can be difficult instead of wonderful.

Whatever Father’s Day means to you, it’s important for you to know and realize that life IS precious. That the time you spend with family and friends IS important. The “Dad” to you may not be a biological parent, but the relationship you have with them is the same…who cares, it doesn’t matter. Special is special, no matter what. What matters is that you do not have regrets in your life, when life ends.

Remember walks or the activities you do with family on Father’s Day. Make the most of those moments so that later there will be something to talk about. If you talk to someone who is having a tough time with Father’s Day, be supportive and let them talk about their Father/Dad if they wish. If you have lost your Dad, celebrate his memory. Some people do activities that their Dad enjoyed like... fishing or attending sporting events and family gatherings. They can write poems or letters to their dad, light a candle, tell their children stories about something their dad did. Some people will cry their eyes out all day.  This is life…these are real experiences. Understand and embrace whatever the experiences you have are, and live your life fully.

If you are a Father/Dad…and you fit the bill to be called either, then have a wonderfully Happy Father’s Day! This holiday is to celebrate your love and the sacrifices you have made for your family. Some day you will be remembered that way. If you are "technically" a Father/Dad…and you don’t act like one, and will never act like one…then understand your legacy will be dishonorable.  People will talk about you...just because your dead doesn't necessarily mean everyone's sad about it.

When it’s over…it’s not necessarily over…

Take a moment to appreciate the TIME before you. Celebrate the TIME ~

Be well always.  :)

The Dark Side of Sod...7

The Gift of Life

Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

~Author Unknown

What is the Gift of Life? To some, it is an extreme sacrifice for a family of a life lost that is laced with terrible grief. To others, it is an answer to prayer… life at the end of the tunnel…a second chance.  The bittersweet miracle of the Gift of Life is that someone had to die in order to be a donor and help someone else.  Did you know that there is a difference between Organ donation and Tissue donation? But right now, if you were asked the question…Would you be a donor or would your family members want to be a donor? What would your response be?  ”YES… ABSOLUTELY!!!”, “I don’t know.”, “I’m not sure, maybe?”, ”HELL NO!!!”, “I don’t think so.” “Let me think about that…”

Whatever your response is, it doesn’t negate the fact that organ and tissue donation does help people, it saves lives, and it is the most priceless GIFT there is to give another human being. When the donation is successful, life is grand for the recipient. The surviving family does get some satisfaction knowing that they helped someone else and in some ways keeps the person alive.

James had been suffering from a major organ failure. The only way he could live would be to receive an organ transplant. He was dying…and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He was desperate and very sick. Knowing his name was on the list was terrifying for him, yet he remained hopeful that someday he would get a one last chance, to have a chance at living. Then he got a call…

Faith had been working late all week. She just wanted to get home and spend some time with her fiance. With no plans for the weekend, and not wanting any, she was looking forward to some serious “down time’. She never made it home. Then her parents got a call…

There are a number of different scenarios that determine what or how organ & tissue gifts are given. In Faith’s case, because she was not married, her parents made the decision to donate her organs and tissue. (You can imagine how difficult this situation is for them) James received the donation he so desperately needed to sustain his life. Faith ultimately continued to live on through the life of James. James continued to live his life, because of Faith.

There is a process involved on both sides of the donation. Of course there’s paperwork to do, decisions to be made, emotions to deal with… and just because you say you want to be a donor, doesn’t mean at the time of your passing you will be.  The circumstances of your life at the time of death will ultimately dictate the results whether a person can or can’t a person be a donor.

TIME and timing are of the essence when donations are procured.  Where you die and how long you are deceased when found will also be a deciding factor as well. Your medical condition, history and social behaviors are carefully considered. The final decision basically rests with a person’s individual circumstances.

Organs like the heart, lungs, liver, and kidneys cannot be given unless you are on life support and in a hospital setting. Tissues like skin, eyes, cornea, heart valve and ligaments, can be donated for a limited period of time after your death and are procured at a funeral home or hospital.

Having a donor heart symbol on your driver’s license means you are giving your permission to gift or use your organs/tissue. Again, it does not guarantee the outcome.

You can also change your mind either way (before your death of course) about being a donor. Change your license and  make sure whatever you choose, you inform the people in your life that will be notified when you die, so they know how to respond appropriately.

Funeral home care centers are where restoration is done. The main objective for the Mortician is to make the deceased look as natural as possible.  So if someone wants a traditional funeral service where the body is viewed by the public, the public would probably never know the deceased was a donor. Fulfilling the wishes of someone at their death if they chose donation in their life, is comforting for the surviving family, and is also a way to celebrate the deceased’s life.

I write to you today because you really need to consider the question. Hospitals will ask a person’s next of kin to make a decision on behalf of the deceased if they have no previous instructions. That’s a tough deal if no one knows how someone felt about it. Everyone needs to understand fully what it takes to be a donor, and what it takes to receive a donation.

There are countless resources on the internet to educate you about the process. If you have questions about the position your religion or church has regarding Organ or Tissue donation, please check with the appropriate clergy to clear up any concerns you may have.

There are no costs involved for the family of the deceased when a donation has been accepted.  I could go on & on…the Gift of Life is so special and so are the families that choose to give.

I would be remiss if I didn’t give a huge thank you as well for the fine folks who procure the donation from the deceased. Because of the time factor they have to get to the donation very quickly. Sometimes in the middle of the night, jump in their car or fly to a location to get the tissue so that someone can get better. We don’t think about them, or at least you never hear of anyone talking about these soldiers. Without them, the process would not happen.

Be well friend and best to you in the coming year.

PS…Anatomical or full body donation is another subject all together. Please contact me if you would like more information on the process and who to contact.

The Dark Side of Sod...6

Imagine that you died 2 weeks ago.

Picture your family…how they are dealing with the reality that you will never be around them physically… again, may surprise you! Although we would like to think that we are loved, missed and that our existence here “made a difference” in the lives of others, death can do some whacky things to families. It seems to either strengthen the family unit or tear it apart. Strengthening because the family was solid and had an informed positive outlook about human mortality, understanding that death happens and you just deal with it. Tear it apart because money, greed, or existing family dysfunction is the bloody culprit for driving a wedge through the heart of a family. 

Now consider your stuff…your personal things (all of your personal things)…do you realize that at some point, everything you have will be touched by someone else? Your closets…and drawers… the bathroom… the cabinets…on and on, would be opened and sifted through. What are people looking for? They may be looking for your personal information like your social security number, life insurance policy numbers etc., and where’s the will? At death, time is of the essence and the family has been required to answer, address or consider over 130 questions within 48 hours of your passing. Do they have what they need to accomplish this?

At some point everything about you will eventually be exposed. Just thinking about the potential ripple effect in the family as a result of what was found or the frustration in finding it…may be difficult in some cases and cause unnecessary stress. 

What about your house? Where will your family living with you now be living in the future? Does anyone want the house, and can they afford to maintain it? Will it be sold, or abandoned at some point?

There was an estate sale of a person who died. There were items lying on the table that had obviously meant a lot to the deceased at one time. Personal things like Certificates of Achievement, photographs, service medals… the immediate family did not share the same sentiment as the “pickers” that came in to score a deal. The emotion attached to what was once family heritage was gone, as it became just another item on a shelf. Do we ever think about what happens to our stuff after we die? Do we ever think about thinking about it? Most would say..."Um...NO!" Do we really care about it? There is no right or wrong answer...it like everything else, is a personal thing.

Consider where you are with your financial situation now, and after you die, what’s the deal with your money? Who’s responsible for your debts, and can they handle this responsibility? Is there enough money to cover the debts you’ve left behind? What would your family or the Executor of your estate be going through in order to legally satisfy all requirements needed by the State or Federal government (s) when someone dies?

Got pets? If you are a pet parent, what provisions did you make in advance for someone to take and care for this furry child of yours? Making arrangements for animals are just as important. There have been cases where pets have either been euthanized or taken to the shelter because no one could or wanted to assume their care. But that’s another topic in itself, more on that later.

If you're concerned in anyway with the visual you’re getting here, please take whatever steps necessary to make this visual…a good one. You can use this image as a tool to  alleviate any potential problems for your survivors later. By doing this you will help us (on this side) cultivate healthy survivors.

For some, the picture is fine because they don’t care about arrangements or have an opinion about death, indifferently they say things like…”Let the kids take care of it!” The entire responsibility will be placed on their family…just like their parents did. (And the kids weren’t aware of this plan) Others may have imagined that the “fight is on”; as their family argued in life…they continue to argue about everything. Even death would be no exception for them. : ) 

FYI- After your funeral, your family will quickly begin to notice that life goes on… traffic lights continue, the guy sitting in the car next to them is jamming to the radio listening to one of their favorite tunes…the phone rings…some are lost and don’t think they can go on without you…some might be happy...there is usually money concerns as well. Is an inheritance coming? How are they going to pay off the credit card they used to bury you? The “business” part of your life can literally go on for months…just about the time the grass starts growing on your plot at the cemetery, the books are closed. Depending on what a person has or is involved in, it could take years to close.

I mention this because people don’t typically think past their death and consider what could be happening with the people they care about as a result of their death.

Families are dealing with death and its processes happen every day…just look at the obituaries online or in your local newspaper. Somebody… somewhere, is going through it. If this is not you…you just got lucky this time.

Be well friend. Celebrate the day, your life & do what you can to make a difference…always.

The Dark Side of Sod...5

I’ve said this a million times…ultimately having a death plan in place is THE BEST form of defense for whenever death actually occurs. But let’s just say in this case…there is no plan. If you are the responsible party to make the funeral arrangements at the time, there is always the nagging question…”What is the right thing to do?” And this question remains the same regardless of how the death occurred and to whom. For example, a wife making arrangements for a her husband who never made it home from work because he was killed in an automobile accident can differ let’s say if a person had an extended illness and the death actually came as a “blessing”. (You know what I mean) We want to make decisions that will result in the best interest of all parties…the person who died (we think we know what they would want), and the surviving family members and close friends. There are steps that absolutely have to be taken when we die. Something HAS to be done with the body. There is no getting around it.  Funeral homes are one of those steps.

Not wanting to deal with death in advance puts us in a terrible position…ALWAYS. Why? Unfortunately some us already “know the drill” about the process. We are in shock, we cannot fully comprehend the scope of the experience we will have when we meet with a Funeral Director at a funeral home. Every person is different, as are each experience. We may not ever understand the experience…some actually forget it all together. 

So we walk in, we are in a total zone unlike any other; we are emotional, exhausted, confused, concerned…so many unanswered questions. We understand that this meeting will result in a financial transaction at some point. We have no idea about how much money will be needed or when the money will be needed. We’ve just heard “it’s expensive”, and that’s terrifying. Not having resources readily available will compound the stress you’ll experience because with the majority of funeral homes, the funeral home bill MUST be paid before their services are rendered. Question:  How many people (who have either made funeral arrangements for someone at death or attended a funeral of someone close to you) would remember what the casket looked like? What color was the outside, or the inside for that matter?  Or was it made of metal or hardwood?

It’s true that there are people who cannot remember the funeral details for some months immediately following death.  Yet decisions were made at that time with such great certainty, we never considered the fact that down the road looking back, it was more than likely emotion that guided those decisions. One perfect example of this decision making would be caskets. When someone chooses burial as final disposition, in an arrangement meeting with a Funeral Director, you should consider this. What type of casket do you want? What type of material is it made of? Hardwood caskets are typically more expensive than metal caskets. Are you looking at the physical casket where you can touch it, or are you looking at a picture in catalog? Sometimes people spend more on a catalog selection when they can’t touch it because it’s not so personal that way. Some want to see the actual casket…again, everyone’s different. Your decisions should be your business…keeping up with the Jones’ should never be a consideration as you make the arrangements. 

If you select a metal casket, does it matter to you how thick is the gauge of steel? Most caskets are 18 or 20 gauge steel. The difference in the two would not be able to be seen with the naked eye. I can assure you however, there is a pretty substantial difference in the cost. Remember the higher the gauge number, the thinner the metal. So a 20 gauge casket would cost less than an 18 gauge casket. Most funeral homes do not display their least expensive casket because they would probably sell a higher number of less expensive caskets.

It would be to your advantage to inquire about less expensive selections as well. Make sure you are presented with all the options available to you. Ask the questions. If you feel you can’t, then make sure someone else goes with you to help with this. You have the right and can ALWAYS shop for a casket online or get a casket from a vendor outside of the funeral home you are working with. Every funeral home has to accept the casket and not charge you any additional fees as a result of buying the casket from another source. They will more than likely ask you to sign a waiver relieving them of responsibility from damage or malfunction that could occur, but you still have the right. If you do decide to purchase a casket outside the funeral home, be sure to check the delivery schedule so that it arrives in time for the services. Most vendors can have caskets delivered within 24 - 48 hours of ordering it. You still will want to definitely check and confirm delivery.


I’m not saying that funeral homes are about selling you a casket to help out the bottom line, but caskets and vaults are major profit centers for them. Resolving your thoughts about what you think is going on with the body after it is buried will help with the decision. If you are of the opinion that it really doesn’t matter… “When you’re dead, your dead”, or “the body’s just a shell”, then consider the least expensive casket.

If you can’t imagine water being on you or “ewww bugs”, then the lined or steel vault along with sealed casket would be something to think about. Of course more you get, the more it cost. There are thousands of other scenarios to talk about but the point is… KNOW THE DEAL. Ask the questions, write them down…research your options ahead of time, shop around.

Whether the arrangements would be for you or someone else, do everything you can to eliminate the questions…Have I done the right thing? And it’s how much, due when? You will be so much better off.

Be well friends and make the best your life every day!